Settle down, children, it’s time for a story! Now, once upon a time, human beings ate perfectly. It was the Garden of Eden and we were all skinny and gorgeous, and there weren’t such things as high fructose corn syrup in those days. Fast-forward to now and everything’s shitty. You’re fat because the food you eat is all wrong, and if only you’d eat the right food, you’d be fine.
You’re a fool, though, and you don’t know what’s good for you, so that’s why I’m here to tell you what you should eat. Now listen closely: some foods are nasty ones, and others are good, and if you eat the bad ones you’ll get fat and it’ll all be your own fault. Don’t eat anything white, don’t eat animals, don’t eat gluten, don’t eat sugar, don’t eat alcohol, obviously don’t eat anything that grows under the ground, don’t eat dairy, don’t eat saturated fat, don’t eat in the mornings, don’t eat in the evenings and don’t, whatever you do, don’t eat a lot.
The “ideal diet” is a fantasy that if only you’d follow some magical rules, you too can look like the smiling model in the infomercials and finally, thankfully be free of “toxins”. In this case, the only toxin is the bad idea that humans have an ideal diet in the first place. Our brethren all over the world live and thrive on 100% fat diets, diets of protein and cow blood, diets of potatoes and diets where all the calories come from beer (I’m serious). They’re all fine, and the reason they are is because people are not all built the same, and people are adaptable.